My Little Pornhub

Yesterday, Pornhub released a goldmine of statistics regarding searches for cartoon horses. And since most of us like to use Pornhub for, you know, porn and not statistics (looking at you, Asians...), we figured you'd like to see these on a website you look to for news and not pornographic content.

...Or so we like to tell ourselves.



Let's start with the age demographics:

All images from http://www.pornhub.com/insights/pornhub-my-little-pony

Not a big surprise here in terms of the largest age group. However, I can't be the only one who finds the increase in the amount of 35-44-year-olds from the 25-34s a bit weird. Also, men are only 37% more likely to look up pony porn than women? Either there are a lot more females in the "weird" part of the fandom than we thought or they are just a lot lonelier than us.

And, a nice little parting thought from this graphic: There are people out there as old as your grandparents masturbating to the same colorful horses we are. Hey, next time you see grandma and grandpa, ask them about it! You may find something you have in common! What could go wrong?

Up next, we have the most often searched terms:

The first three are pretty generic, so no big surprises there. But then, out of nowhere, BAM! Dicks. Futa is the most often searched specific term in regards to My Little Pony. If this doesn't confirm it, I don't know what will: You guys are seriously a bunch of faggots.

Not all that surprisingly, Rainbow Dash is the most searched pony. She is followed closely by Rarity, but that will change soon because KEEP YOUR GREASY HANDS OFF MY WAIFU YOU BASTARDS!

I'll warn you, I'm very skilled with a katana

On a final note, all of you searching Button Mash should be very disappointed in yourselves. Like, even more disappointed than the rest of us.

And I'm not sure why so many of you are searching "cyclops mlp," but I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Let's end with a little bit of country data:

Holy shit, those Eastern Europeans love their pony porn! Seriously, don't they have secret police or something over there for people who look this shit up?

But this map reveals a deeper problem than the plague of pony fetishism popping up in Putin's playground: My fellow Americans, we are falling behind.

Seriously, we're losing to more poverty-ridden nations than our soccer teams. Ukraine is in the midst of a massive political crisis and they still find time to look up more pony porn than we do. The majority of Fake South America is beating us worse than they beat our border patrol!

Author's note: Edit jokes when President Trump fixes border problem

Fucking hell, Poland is beating us, and if World War II taught us anything it's that Poland can't beat anything (except France).

You see that dark purple shade in the middle of Africa? That's Gabon. Ever heard of Gabon? Neither have I, but even they're closing in on us. Seriously, a country in a continent that has about 5 computers total is close to us.

The point is, America, we are losing this race. And this isn't some unimportant, useless one like an arms race, space race, track meet, or African-Americans. This is for our porn. And it is time to take back what is ours!

Finally, to end this article, have some Jesus. Because y'all need some.

He is watching. Except all you who search "futa." He turns away for that stuff.