Way-Too-Early Season 5 Premiere Synopsis

Since we now have some speculation on when Season 5 will premiere and even have a whole sentence on IMDB outlining the general plot of the first episode, we at Horse News decided we have more than enough information to release the first official Season 5 episode summary before any other pony-related news organizations (suck it, EQD!)

Yeah, all those other episode synopses are totally wrong!

Twilight Sparkle and her friends go to a village where inhabitants have willingly given up their cutie marks. They are greeted by the village's Handi-Cappergeneral (who, despite her appearance, is not pony Aria Blaze), who is in charge of enforcing the village's laws of equality. Twilight mysteriously disappears during the group's first day in the new village. Her friends aren’t fully aware of the tragedy due to their average intelligence. In this village, those who possess average intelligence are unable to think for extended stretches of time.

Twilight's friends are invited by the villagers to go to the large theater in the middle of the village to watch a group of villagers perform a traditional Equestrian interpretive dance routine. Fluttershy has been crying, but she can’t remember why (but probably because she's a pussy). She remarks on the prettiness of the dance. For a few moments, Rainbow Dash reflects on the dancers, who are weighed down to counteract their skill and masked to hide their good looks. They have been handicapped so that the other villagers won’t feel bad about their own appearance (this is what liberals actually believe). Because of their handicaps, the dancers aren’t very good.

Fluttershy says she would enjoy living in a society like this where everypony is equal. Her friends seem skeptical. If she were Handi-Cappergeneral, Fluttershy says, she would make all the little animals equal too. Fluttershy says she would be a good Handi-Cappergeneral because she "knows what normalcy is." Applejack asks if any of them have seen Twilight. Upon mentioning Twilight's name, the villager ponies in her immediate vicinity start making a loud, annoying screeching noise until her simple rural mind forgets who Twilight is.

"One of us! One of us!"

An announcer with a speech impediment interrupts the dance and attempts to read a bulletin. He can’t overcome his impediment, so he hands the bulletin to a dancer to read. Fluttershy commends him for working with his natural abilities and says he should get a raise simply for trying so hard. The dancer begins reading in her natural, beautiful voice, then apologizes and switches to a mediocre voice actor that won’t make anyone jealous. The bulletin says that Twilight Sparkle has escaped from prison.

After a rumbling noise, Twilight herself bursts through the side doors and storms onto the stage. She says that she is the Princess of Books or Friendship or whatever the fuck they decided to make her princess of, the greatest ruler in history, and that everyone must obey her. Then she rips off her prison garment to reveal that she has a horn and wings, but this time the reveal doesn't destroy the fandom. She says that the first pony brave enough to stand up gets to stay on her plane will be her prison bitch. A dancer rises to her hooves. Twilight removes the dancer's handicaps and mask, revealing a beautiful pony.

"Look at me... I am the Princess now."

She orders the musicians to play, saying she will kill them last if they do their best. Unhappy with their initial attempt, Twilight conducts, waving a couple of musicians in the air like batons with her magic, and sings. They try again and do better. After listening to the music, Twilight and her prison bitch dance. Defying gravity, they move through the air, flying thirty feet upward to the ceiling.

Handi-Cappergeneral comes into the studio and kills Twilight and the dancer with a shotgun GIVES THEM A STERN LECTURE ABOUT OBEYING OTHER PEOPLE'S RULES WHEN YOU ARE ON THEIR PROPERTY BECUZ GUNS R BAD AND KILL PEOPLE. She orders the musicians to put their handicaps back on. The theater goes dark. The show finishes, Twilight and her friends are reunited and have a fun educational experience learning about the various cultural differences between the village and Equestria, and she writes a letter to Princess Celestia urging her to deliver a strong dose of freedom in the form of heavy explosives to those Communist bastards.

No, I totally didn't just copy/paste a synopsis of "Harrison Bergeron"...