Thousands of soldiers on the Starship Enterprise commit suicide over a new brony

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Thousands of Federation soldiers killed themselves earlier today on the Starship Enterprise after Captain Kirk Cameron announced even he didn't want to be one of them. Captain Cameron proceeded to laugh from his command post, then calling the sentient space demon Q to have tea and play checkers.

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Captain Cameron, receiving back talk from red shirt Frankie, simply laughed even more. He then issued the new declaration of magical friendship to silence the young red shirt, who quickly died of severe burns.

Of course we all remember that Captain Cameron's demon friend Q also joined the notorious Brony clan on stardate 65176.2, causing a number of crew suicides, but those were mostly red shirt mishaps. While the current loss of life is major, the Enterprise moves on, as Lieutenant MacFarlane sets the same course he always sets, even if the majority of the ship's passengers are completely sick of it already. 

While this certainly provides a niche in current operations, the Federation hasn't stopped fighting for freedom all over the galaxy! We are currently receiving information about a possible invasion of foreign soil, some place called "Beach City" on some crappy little blue planet. The possible landing will be occurring on stardate 68698.2, even though life has been deemed, quote, "incredibly...retarded if I...do say so myself...partner."

Here we see Captain Kirk Cameron riding his pony with some cancer patient. Isn't that sweet? Horse News reported the cure for cancer with the cancellation of G7 but the robots keep making more.