The reviews are in: the Rainbow Rocks album

Bill Nye is displeased with your shit

Taking a break from creating sacred cult documents, Horse News opened our flabby arms to welcome in the next nail in the fandom's coffin: The Rainbow Rocks soundtrack. Delayed and finally revealed, we now get to see all the new songs that the staff put so much effort in to making.

...Or they just barely did shit and rehashed old memes, used pandering in its purest form, created Trixie's darkest hour, and gifted us erotic R&B. You know, for kids!

It's like seeing Satan spitting on the mentally handicapped

Where were you when music was kill? More than likely, you were doing something worthless like our entire staff. A few days ago on iTunes we finally got the Rainbow Rocks album, and we totally paid for every single one of them, which you should too because they are so worth it and well made and wow it was worth the money. Please don't sue us, Hasbro.

First off, out of the ten songs we bought, Shake your Tail was already shown in that one ad from Hasbro. Then they included the wub tastic bonus track Music to my Ears from the Vinyl Scratch clip. We've also already heard the sexy sirens' sing Let's have a Battle and Sunset and the gang have a pity party jam session with Better than Ever, so we ended up with only six unheard songs from the new film. So how do they sound? Did Trixie get a song? Will Meghan ever write a PONY movie? The answers? Mostly shit, yes, and no.

Rainbow Rocks

Usually when writing title tracks, one wants to capture the feeling of the film it's representing. And, yes, I'm assuming Rainbow Rocks does this perfectly. It's comprised mainly of that one recycled drum beat you hear in every inspiration musical moment, clapping, an "actual guitar riff", each character explaining how mayonaise isn't an appropriate, and Pinkie Pie saying something about "banging" which is where I lost my train of thought. 

We're treated to pounding drums and the same theme of friendship that only something straight out of High School Musical can really hammer in. Unfortunately the song comes off as mediocre. A recycled version of every rally song from every school musical you've ever heard ever. In fact this proves only good for sexual exploitation. So Rainbow Rocks does in fact do the job it was supposed to do. Represent the film accurately. By being bad. 

3/10; phoned in

Under our Spell

Remember that time period from the mid '90s to early '00s? Holy shit weren't the pop charts awful and repetitive? Apparently, this dark time in music history classified as "rock" and "totally modern and original." Incredibly similar sounds to whatever Britney was lip syncing in the edgy bubblegum pop era in America, Under our Spell has nothing fun in terms of instrumentation. However, one positive is that the singing voice for Adagio Giggle Biscuits is extremely seductive and well performed, being one of the few good points on the whole album.

Airy moaning, sighing, implied BDSM commands, references to making me "move it", the folks over at Hasbro sure know how to market to those little girls. It has a fun adult quality that somehow makes me attracted to human women. Bravo Mr. Ingram, Bravo.

6/10; I mean they couldn't all be awful

Tricks up My Sleeve

Oh dear Faust what were they thinking. I mean I've heard of not giving a shit about your product but wow. Not only do they yet again throw away any concept of rock music, but it sounds like that one b-side of that mix tape of 2 chainz when he was starting out. Only if he had a teal blue vagina. Yep, The Great and Powerful Trixie, lord of the peanut butter crackers, gets her very own song. Her very own awful, awful, awful song.

Not only does it loudly blare that rapid electric snare drum progression every wannabe rapper uses on a mix tape, not only are some of the sounds equivalent to sound effects you might hear in a horror film, NOT ONLY is there an unnecessary and cheap wub breakdown, but Trixie sounds absolutely unbearable. Her repetitive lyrics poking fun at her name by saying you "better believe I've got tricks up my sleeve" and sounding like a dying alley cat make this completely unbearable. The pitch is all over the place and I didn't even finish the song it was just so unforgivable. This is the worst song on the entire record, and there is no forgiving it.

1/10; Couldn't even finish it

Welcome to the Show

I've given up on this being about rock and instead being some strange attempt at R&B, pop, and EDM. At the very least, we get a good opening with the voices of the sirens doing their favorite thing, which seems to be holding their mouths open and singing "ah" over and over. Then we're treated to dat sweet, sweet Adagio voice. Seriously, I feel like everything coming from this character is just sick sexual gratification for the viewer. And it works, because it's a fun song. 

It starts out long and reminiscent of that R&B I mentioned earlier. Then it starts to breakdown with a faster tempo. Hell, I can even hear an actual guitar and drum beat. Adagio's voice carries well, the composition is perfect for her voice and fun, Welcome to the Show is a well put together song...then it switches to Twilight and those other characters that clearly don't matter. This is in fact the beginning of the battle, both parties singing back and forth. Even with the ball kind of being dropped when the Mane six seven get their parts (which sound like every other one of their songs), it somehow works out well and turns out to be one of the shining stars of the album.

7/10; If it wasn't for the Mary Sue gang it could have ranked higher

Awesome as I Want to Be

Yeah it's just as bad as it sounds. The song that actually comes the closest to being rock get to be sung by everyone's favorite cunt, Rainbow Brash Dash. A mixture of the guitar from this one Green Day song, Avril Lavigne, Blink-182, or Bowling for Soup, but lacking any of the fun, personality, or nostalgic vibes of any of those acts. The extension of the songs lyricism ranges from repeating the phrase "hey hey hey hey hey hey" or "Awesome as I want to be" over and over, overused internet memes, or Rainbow just genuinely being a cunt. 

There are a few positives, however. While the composition isn't new, it still sounds okay and well put together. And Ashleigh Ball singing a "punk" rock song in Rainbow Dash's voice kind of fits perfectly, even if the lyrics are repetitive and, well, cuntish. And sticking to the origins of punk songs, this is the shortest song on the whole album, clocking in at only about a minute and sixteen seconds. As cringey as the lines may be and kid friendly the sound, Awesome as I Want to Be finished off mediocre overall. Not awful per se, but certainly not a new All Star.

4/10; Shrektacular Spectacular

Shine like Rainbows

Clearly the song the girls use to win the Battle of the Bands in the third act of the movie, it came off a pleasant surprise. Boring, but pleasant. The best song actually starring only Twilight's band of misfits, Shine like Rainbow is a much slower song than the upbeat sugar rushes or seduction siren songs that are presented on the rest of the album. Applejack, Rarity, each one gets a chance to sing about friendship and teamwork and all the good shit parents let movies teach their kids so it means less work for them. It seems to be recounting Twilight's journey in the human worlds and how it effects the girls and how strong they are together. 

Bass guitar and simple drum beats, it almost sounds like the disco style of Random Access Memories at points, but almost more repetitive than Daft Punk, if that's somehow possible. There's also some light acoustic picking to kick the song off on a happy note. Regardless of what the majority of Horse News reporters thought of this one, I had a different take on it. While the basic subject and repetition of the line "shine like rainbows" is a bit much by the end, it's nice that a little kids movie makes a song that tries a different kind of style and attempts to slow things down a bit. I enjoyed it, right at the top with Welcome to the Show. I feel like I really should dislike it more, but for some reason I couldn't. It was boring and basic, but also strangely relaxing.

7/10; Boring + repetition = kind of good?

So overall how does the whole damn thing stack up? While there are a few gems on the record, doesn't make up for the general song range of mediocre to ungodly satanic propaganda. If this is an indication of the entire movie, surely there will be a few good moments that shine through, but not worth paying and sitting through a majority of crap. And as I did with Shine, other people are going to have different (usually awful) tastes. So maybe while we may shun those who support Equestria Girls, we can be at least tolerant of their decision to do so? After different people have different ideas of "good", and their helping Hasbro with their cash flow. As long as we don't watch it and support it, they can have what they want and we can all be decent adults.

...no fuck that shit. The fandom is doomed.

In all seriousness Rainbow Rocks is going to be awful. We here at Horse News don't believe in not having biases. In fact we thrive on it. Also Capper totally had sex with Boxxy, just so you know.