Rainbow Rocks Actually... Rocks?

I think we all know who the real star of the movie was.

For many of those that went to the theater with poor expectations, it was a pleasant surprise when the movie had a lot of decent aspects to it. N-not that I'm saying it was great or anything. A full review is below the break! (And yes, I'm fully aware Horse News already has a review of the movie up. You don't really think everyone here has the same opinions, do you?)

(Get a snack and some beer, because this is going to be one long ass read.)

So we start the movie off with the three goons trying to feed off negative energy in a diner. Even if you somehow avoided every single spoiler and announcement about Rainbow Rocks it would only take a few seconds to realize that they're the baddies of the film. Let me assure you that nothing in this film is subtle. Oh, and speaking of spoilers, you can actually watch the first 20 minutes or so of the movie on youtube in high def, Hasbro approved. Nearly all the teasers were from the beginning of the movie, including the part where the Sirens start manipulating everybody to fight each other.

All the villain songs in the movie were pretty enjoyable.

"B-but, that would mean the entire plot was revealed right away!", cries some poor bastard that hasn't watched the movie yet. You're kind of right? Almost all of the story is crammed into the beginning of the movie, and considering how weak and predictable it is that's probably for the best. Villains notice magic from last movie, villains get into school and make the music show a music competition in order to gain more dark magic, and our magical girls have to stop them with their own music. The movie gets that out of the way as quickly as possible so that we can get to the marketable shit: the musical performances and the fan pandering.

Number 1 cunt gets a lot of lines and even her own song in this movie. Can you guess which one I'm talking about?

I'm going to get this out of the way now: although the villain songs are all pretty great, (unless you include Trixie's, which was meh), the mane six songs are semi-decent at best. You can listen to the whole OST here so you know what I'm talking about. At worst, the mane six songs come off like a contemporary Christian ripoff. Otherwise they just sound like generic pop songs with a little guitar mixed in. But at the very least, the songs are all passable. Just nothing you'd listen to on your way to work.

This is really important to note because songs are the majority of the movie, and they didn't make me want to kill myself from high school musical syndrome like the last movie. So that's a nice improvement.

But then there's THIS fucking scene.

So after the spoiler scenes are over there's just one more major plot point to cover: getting perfect purty purple pwincess Twilight Sparkle from point A to point B. For those of you that didn't watch the first movie, Twilight Sparkle could only access the mirror at a certain point in time, and then only stay in the mirror world for a few days. It was a pretty major plot point that retained what little tension the movie had. And Twilight bullshits an answer for it during less than a minute of screentime in this movie.

How is the mirror problem solved exactly? Well, when the human mane 6 realize that shit is fucked Sunset Shimmer remembers that she still has her old letter book Princess Celestia gave to her. They try to see if it works across different worlds and we cut too... an awkwardly long pause on the princess castle playset in ponyville. Yay, a pony scene in an Equestria Girls movie! This is going to be awesome, right? WRONG, it's actually the worst scene in the entire movie. You really thought this review was going to only mention the positives? Fuck you, this isn't Equestria Daily.

"And then everyone brushed Twilight's hair and told her what a pretty princess she is! I can't wait to be a princess when I grow up!"

We see that there's a lot of activity inside the castle as Twilight is still moving in. A filthy earth pone worker is carrying in books, Fluttershy and Applejack are struggling to push in a rather large and heavy looking box, Rarity is cleaning the thrones, aaaaand Twilight is sitting on her ass reading. Look, it's one thing that Spike and Pinkie Pie aren't doing anything useful, seeing as how that's usually the case, but you're a fucking alicorn with god tier magicial powers. You could easily help AJ and Fluttershy with that box, you twat. They are helping you move into YOUR new home after all.

Never ask this bitch to help you move, she'll only watch TV and eat all your pizza.

Dirty earth pony then lets our favorite princess know that one of the books he brought in is glowing and vibrating, and much the dismay of all the Twifags in the audience watching she does not use the book to get herself off. No really, the sound effect they use for vibrating is both entirely unnecessary, (it could have just glowed and still been noticed) and sounds more like a sex toy bullet than a cell phone. I can only wonder who added that part in...

ANYWAYS, Twilight somehow knows to skip over to the last entry instead of reading the book beginning to end and reads Shimmer's cry for help. She also almost instantly identifies who and what the villains are despite the villains being possibly a thousand years old. We get a neat storybook sequence including Starswirl the Bearded's pimp ass beard that shows the Sirens were banished to an unknown world where magic doesn't exist.

Folks, I think we just found the origin point of fluffy ponies.

Yeah, because that's really fucking responsible, let's just send all of our most dangerous criminals that almost succeeded in taking over the world over to a far weaker world with their weapons still attached to them. I can understand Celestia doing that to Sunset Shimmer seeing as how she only had the potential to be a threat and her only weapon was magic, but this is just fucking ridiculous. Guess Starswirl wasn't quite the legend Twilight made him out to be.

But hey, at least the villains can now be established as a legitimate threat in comparison to just getting the dark magic munchies. So after Pinkie makes a note about how it's contradictory that they can't access the mirror but can still get messages across, Twilight goes into full Mary Sue mode and bullshits some science equipment over to the mirror. We cut to Twilight giving complicated science formulas that she also pulled out of her ass and viola, she can use the mirror any damn time she pleases and HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE.

Why make one princess horrible when you can make three unbearable!

When Twilight activates the mirror it appears that the book is getting used as a way to unlock the passage. But if that's the case, then how in all hell did Celestia not find a way to permanently open the mirror gate up? I mean, she put the magic in that book in the first place, right? And she did have some motivation to use the mirror- she could have checked in on Sunset Shimmer, made sure any of the villains they threw in that world weren't currently destroying it (I get the feeling there are way more villains left to discover in the human world that will be attracted to the newly formed friendship magic), or at the very least done it for the sake of exploration and research. I mean shit, it only takes a few minutes to notice that there's some really advanced technology in that world compared to the pony one. Stop making Celestia a shitty ruler, Equestria Girls.

Considering that Celestia was a bitch for the majority of the movie I'm surprised they didn't try to market this toy to us.

Moving along, only Twilight and Spike go into the mirror, because despite everyone on campus knowing that magic exists, especially the mane six counterparts, it would just be way too confusing to have everyone go. It's really easy to forget that Spike came along after a few minutes, because he gets hardly any lines in the movie. I can assure you that this is a positive change. Twilight, weirdly enough, also gets way less lines than in the last movie, but not enough to the point where she's the new mane six background character. (That would be Fluttershy in this movie.)

You know who else gets hardly any lines in this movie? Brad. And the best part is, half of his lines are being horrible to Twilight Sparkle. You see, when the Sirens put their spell over the school it not only made everyone obsessed with the competition but also hateful towards any competition or people that wanted to stop it. So as soon as Brad learns Twilight is in another band he lashes out at her and makes her cry. Gee, if that shitty pony scene never happened I think that would make this a 10/10 movie!

He does look really interested in hate fucking that hippie bro though.

Once everyone has greeted Twilight and they've all told each other what they know, they all decide to have a sleepover at Pinkie Pie's. Weirdly enough, this seems like less of a toy advertisement and more of a fan service scene. Everyone is in cute outfits just chilling despite how terrified they were of the Sirens. Twilight is trying to work on a music spell, (yeah, because that was totally necessary for their horse parts to pop up before Twilight arrived), when all the sudden Sunset Shimmer shows up and- UNF!

Since when did you get so busty, Shimmer!?! Oh, also Maud makes a funny appearance.

I mean, JESUS, you balance a bookcase off those hips. I don't even know what that means! For a G rated cartoon character they sure did give Shimmer a lot of curves. I guess her jacket typically covers it up. Anyways, I guess now is as good of a time to mention as ever that Sunset gets a good amount of lines and character development. Because she was a villain in the last movie the entire school hates her, and even her new friends constantly reference what a bitch she was. Poor Shimmer just swallows their load because she still feels guilty about it and doesn't want to be alone.

She ends up noticing a lot of things and fixing some of the problems the group has later on in the movie, and by the end of the movie becomes a completely reformed and accepted character. Shit, she even takes a dangerous risk confronts the villains alone when the rest of the group temporarily hates her. Maybe next time she can just replace Twilight as the main character. I CAN DREAM, DAMMIT!

Maybe I'm just late to the party and she's been busty all along.

 Moving along, the next day they try to practice Twilight's song at Applejack's place, and surprise, it's shit tier. The group starts to fight, but Sunset Shimmer breaks it off and tells them to get their asses to the event. The group ultimately decides to perform songs they already know just well enough so that they stall and make it to the finals. They need to do this so that Twilight has enough time to finish writing the song and then perform it in front of everybody. From there we get a montage of good (and god awful) songs from the mane six, the Sirens, and a few background characters that the fandom ejaculated in joy about.

The conclusion that they need to hide their powers comes off as a bit odd. The audience is already shown that the Sirens really only want the mane six powers, and that they're fully aware they have them. Plus the school already knows that the mane six are basically magical girls. So for us, it's rather pointless to have them hide their powers until the finale. They know it's Equestrian magic, so to them it would make sense if ears and tails popped out of nowhere. But hey, I guess they needed to find a way for Sunset Shimmer to get shit on once again by preventing a now overly cocky Rainbow Dash from showing her ears and ruining a performance. All this really does is needlessly complicate a previously simple storyline.

The Lyra/Bon Bon ship may be overused, but this was pretty cute. Their cheeks even touched for a second.

The mane six and Sirens end up being the finalists, (Did that really surprise anyone?), and the final competition is post poned until later that night at a bigger location. Trixie gets tricked by the Sirens to trap the mane six underneath the stage while her band takes their place. This gives Trixie the perfect opportunity to show off her big poofy doll dress, (Only $30 in stores now!). Meanwhile, the mane six start fighting again while Twilight Sparkle just sits in the corner crying. Sunset Shimmer heroes the fuck up and tells them they're doing exactly what the Sirens wanted them to. That's about the time DJ sets them free with Spike's help. As most of us figured out during the Hasbro approved teasers, DJ was never under the Siren's spell because she had headphones on the whole time. How she was able to hear Spike, we may never know.

If you were able to guess that DJ was shoe horned into this movie just to market more dolls to both girls and bronies, you are correct!

The mane six head out for the final battle with DJ and her... dubstep DJ car? You only see it for a second, but if you couldn't already tell, the car is another toy they're trying to sell. Pretty sure the toy version never transforms though. Anyways, the battle is cool enough, and of course the magic of friendship overpowers everything in this universe. The curse breaks, Trixie cock blocks Twilight and Brad like a boss, and Sunset Shimmer stops getting shit on and even gets to become a part of the band with complete magical furry accessories. The end!

It wouldn't be an Equestria Girls movie without shitty outfits. This world's Rarity sucks!

Overall, it was a good movie. By far, an improvement compared to the first movie. After the first half an hour it's very easy to forget that this is a high school musical based movie at all. All attention is on the performances and character development instead of the school this time around. The fan references are abundant yet somehow not overstaying their welcome. Go watch this if you love Sunset Shimmer, Trixie, Rainbow Dash being a massive cunt and watching Twilight cry.

Whew, what a long review! If you feel like I missed anything or just want to tell everyone how much Twilight sucks feel free to post a comment. A-and you can follow me on Twitter if you want to hear me complain about fictional characters more.