Actual News Not Relating to Humanized Horses Playing Music

It's obvious to anyone that hasn't been living under a rock for the past 50 years that sex appeal has become a very important aspect of today's media, especially in advertising.  It's nearly impossible to find any television programming that doesn't have at the very least a well-hidden aspect of sex appeal, and not even the shows that our children watch are exempt from this.

This takes on a whole new meaning when you remember she's naked...

Finally, to our collective boners' pleasure, some brave citizens of the United States of America have decided to petition to change our National Animal from the bald eagle to something much more sexy:

The horse.

A Change.org petition from the American Horse Protection Alliance is attempting to replace the bald eagle, the traditional symbol of American patriotism which the Alliance claims has done "nothing to earn the honor," with the horse, a brave, strong, hardworking, drop-dead-sexy animal.

Wait a second, one of these descriptions is much more representative of the American people...

Below is the text from the Change.org page (because why would I write when someone else has already written for me?), which can be found here:

"America was built on the backs of horses. They pulled our wagons across the continent as we settled America, plowed our fields, carried us into battle from the Revolutionary War to WWI, transported our mail, helped us control our livestock and were valuable companions. Our troops even rode horses in Afghanistan in 2002. Horses are deeply woven into the way we think about ourselves and our world. Horses are more than just part of our history. They have become part of who we are.

The Eagle did nothing to earn the honor of being our National Bird, but the horse - throughout history - served and died for American Citizens in combat and in other areas of service and deserves such an honor.

Today, the wild herds of the west are being decimated to make room for cattle to graze. Thousands of horses are rounded up and placed in holding pens where they suffer neglect at the hands of the Federal Government. Some never leave these holding pens. Instead of being "adopted" out to caring individuals, many are sold to kill buyers who then ship the perfectly healthy horses to slaughter houses in Canada and Mexico. A movement is afoot to reopen the slaughter houses in the United States - even though they were shut down by the USDA due to the inhumane abuse suffered by the horses in slaughter. There is no such thing as "humane slaughter" when it comes to horses. And they should not be subjected to this fate.

Pony is not for slaughter

In addition to the decimation of the wild herds, overbreeding of horses in the United States continues, with domestic horses sold to slaughter houses across the border. 

I think we all know why they are being overbred...
And we should all be very disappointed in ourselves (but we aren't).

Horses have gone from being regarded as valuable, honorable, majestic, intelligent and special, to being considered as a lowly food source by people who see the horse ONLY as a source of income. What is next? The argument for horse slaughter is that it is acceptable as food in other countries. Eating dogs and cats is acceptable in other countries as well. Where do we draw the line?

There is an Act pending in Congress - the SAFE Act - that will stop the opening of slaughter plants in the U.S. and stop the transportation of horses across the border for slaughter. But if it does not pass, thousands of horses will meet this grisly death every year. Last year, over 170,000 horses from America were shipped across the border for slaughter. Every year, wild horses are rounded up from what used to be protected federal lands and sold to slaughter. Their only hope is the rescue groups that buy the horses to save them from the kill buyers. And they simply cannot afford to continue buying every horse that the government deems worthless.

The way to stop this madness is to DECLARE the HORSE as the NATIONAL ANIMAL of the UNITED STATES and award PROTECTION to the horse as a valued NATIONAL TREASURE."

B-but we already have a National Treasure... <333333

The petition is currently 566 signatures away from consideration, so go sign it to make our country a better place.