The new Power Ponies Go! game: A review

Whenever The Hub releases a new game for their website based on everyone's favorite ponies, it's expected to be, well, shit. After all it's just a simple flash game meant for the enjoyment of children with the attention spans of squirrels on a caffeine bender. So when the new game Power Ponies Go! came out recently, it seemed only fit that we would test it out properly.

And by properly, we mean by playing it in a late night coffee-and-alcohol-induced haze in order to simulate the constant mindset of a small child. So in this mindset, how does it stack up?

Upon opening the game in a new tab, one is immediately assaulted with the sounds of Generic Superhero Action Game music #9, so writing up the beginning of this article with it playing in the background was the first trial. Luckily the programmers are merciful, providing a mute button to immediately ease the pain. The first test over, now you can finally click start to begin and get the cool, fast paced, action packed adventures of...exposition.

Once again, the programmers are merciful sons of bitches and provided a "skip" option for you to actually take you to the first level. I'm not going to show the control briefing but they're very simple. Arrow keys to move around, spacebar for basic attack, and shift key for your SUPER KICK ASS PONY POWER, but watch your PONY POWER METER, IT MAY RUN OUT! WHY IS MY SHIFT KEY STUCK?

So after the exposition and control debrief, you get to test your skills on level one. Your Power Pony Persona? None other then Sparkle butt herself, the Masked Matterhorn.

So in terms of gameplay it's pretty simple. The objective is to collect a number of comic book pages to move on to the next level. Along the way you need use your basic blasts or your WICKED LIMITED KICK ASS SHIFT KEY POWERS to blast henchmen. Get caught by (run in to) too many henchmen and you get brutally gang raped you lose your lives and, eventually, lose the game. 

Your attack moves? Seeing how this is Twilight's character, you really just get to blast guys with magic rays. Pretty straight forward, and on level one you have to get by to collect only five pages.

So after a first mission that you can easily breeze through if you're not writing for a pony "news" site, you get to move on to the second level. This time, you get to play as the fastest cunt in the west, Zapp. 

With the same goal of five comic book pages, the only real change is the scenery. Oh and also you get to be a bad ass and shoot lighting from your face, and that's just your basic attack! So with the power of Rainbow lightning, I mean shit it's easy pickings.

This was harder to get in a shot then I like to admit.

But if shooting freaking lightning randomly out of your face isn't amazing enough, you know what else you get? Fuckin' tornadoes, that's what.

Again, action shot was a pain in the ass.

So this was a just as easy as the first stage, but a bit more crowded and more henchmen. The upsides are really the added power ups and Zapp design here. Suddenly this game is looking good, and if you survived a great second stage, you get to move on to level 3! A more challenging stage where you get to play as Super Prostitute Horse Radiance.

So now all of a sudden the bigger challenge really kicks in. Instead of five pages, you now have to go grab 10 in a bigger map with even more henchmen. Oh, and instead of lightning and tornadoes, you now get to hit them with diamonds or put them in fancy cages. 

So yeah. I died. Taking screenshots + old laptop + Time Warner = Bad at My Little Pony games. To be fair this stage is designed to be a step up, so hats off to programmers for it, it's a genuine challenge at times. 

Now with more focus on actually playing, I came back to retry and managed to pull through the level with a second try. Look I even snagged a shot of the frilly little cages, aren't you lucky?

Once you manage to get through a slightly difficult third stage, it's time to step up to level four. This time you get to play as Mistress Mare-velous.

It's basically the same as the last level, but tighter spaces and more henchmen. Good news is that there's also way more power ups. Also, instead of throwing sparkly rocks, this time you get some better tools. SUPER HORSESHOES and your basic weapon, a kinky ass whip.

Farm girls like it rough

With really the same difficulty of the last level, you shouldn't have as much trouble as you did first time in level three. Now with a fourth stage down, it's time for the biggest, baddest test yet...more exposition!

So after you've arrived at the shampoo factory to defeat the Mane-iac (PUNS KEK). Now that you've freed your friends maybe we get to see their kick ass powers in level five! Oh man I can't wait to see what they can d-

Shit. Okay well now instead of comic book pages, you now have to capture seven powerful sharts shards as Hum Drum. Yes as the sidekick, you don't get to really do the shit. Against extra henchmen and a boss, you don't get to use two real powers. Instead you get to use two wasted opportunities in the form of the two heroes you freed, Fili-second as your basic move and Saddle Rager for special moves. You know, instead getting two moves from them that would be cooler, Hum Drum just gets to command them. How interesting!

After you finish the boss level and assuming your computer doesn't start slowing down more than FinalDraft's libido, you finish the level to watch Hum Drum assemble all the shards of the glass...thing. Mane-iac fires her weapon, it blows up in her face, you've save the matriarchal city of Maretropolis, you make out with Louis Lane for a little bit, fly out in to space, and smile to the camera, then call it a day.

All in all, it's a pretty good game. It can be glitchy as hell, some parts make no sense or seem pretty lame, and yes, it can be very easy if you have none of the problems that I did, but it's still better then whatever EA is limping to the barn with at this point, and the best part is it's free! Plus a lot of the powers are pretty cool seeing them coming from your super powered waifus, the best being Zapp hands down. 

I will give it 6.5 DigiBrony circlejerks out of 10. It's a simple pony flash game that has it's problems and it's over in no time, but it's a great time waster to try and collect all the items and stare at pony butt. 

And in the end, isn't that what we can all enjoy? Together?

Ever spent your time at 5 am playing a Pony game? I have. My god, what am I doing with my life. Horse News has ruined my life, YOU SICK FUCKS HAVE RUINED ME.